Thursday, August 9, 2012
Learning To Say No
It's funny how the word no has two letters in it, yet it is scary to say sometimes. But, sometimes it is necessary to say no. When I am potentially overworking myself, or giving too much of my time to something, I need to say no so I can have some breathing room and be human. Why is it so hard to say no sometimes? Well, I want people to like me. The only way they will have a real issue with me is if I say yes, and then do not follow through. If I say no in the first place, I am in the clear despite the other person's reaction. They may not be thrilled at first, but will respect my assertiveness. Assertiveness is another big word. What does being assertive mean? Well it means several times. Asserting myself is making my opinions or ideas heard without getting dominated by another person. It also means standing up for myself. Saying no is very assertive. Saying yes to be nice is not assertive, plus it results in passive aggression, which is also unassertive. The problem with the inability to say no is that it hurts me. I have to take care of me, not please other people. People pleasing is a sorry attempt to get to manage the way people see me. If I say no it doesn't mean that people have to like me for it. Saying no is indeed better then making a commitment and backing out of it. That certainly upsets people, but it happens all the time. There have been times where I have agreed to do something with a self seeking motive of pleasing others. OIt does not feel good to do that. I am talking about things that are not essential to do. Of course I have to do things I do not want to do in life. There is no escape from that. People pleasing is totally different than facing responsibilities. People pleasing is saying yes so the person asking me for the favor will be happy. I like doing favors but sometimes I should not say yes, because I have much going on, or it is something that is toxic for me to do. When I am able to say no, I realize that it is not as hard as it seems. If a person is being used or taken advantage of, saying no is much more effective than people pleasing. People pleasing is answering in the affirmative against my will. People pleasing in harmony with my will and the powers that be is proper use of the will. Again this is not a post against helping others, but it is a post against doing it just simply to get the other person to like me. If I have to even worry about that, what is the point? Friends and loved ones help each other, but the love is not if you do this I'll still be your friend. Bottom line is that if I people please aginSt my will I put myself in a position to be hurt.